How to Win When You Fail
Fear of failure is the one thing preventing us from experiencing life fully and living up to our true potential.
Whether it’s getting a dream job, leaving a work environment, or a relationship that doesn’t serve us, it’s that fear that holds us back.
What if I get rejected?
What if my next job won’t be better?
What if I don’t find another partner?
These are just some of the thoughts that might be going through your head on repeat.
It’s even in the small things, like not trying out a new yoga posture - what if I fall and make a fool out of myself?, or asking someone for a favour - what if they decline and I make them uncomfortable by my request?
Negativity Bias
We remember our negative experiences more than the positive ones - so the one time we got rejected for the job we wanted, impacts us more, than the three times when we were actually successful in obtaining a desired role. This also affects our decision-making, where the potential losses in a given situation weigh more in our mind than the potential gains, making us more risk-averse.
Tip 1: Visualise Success Scenarios
Rather than focusing on potential failure, think about everything that could go right.
What will my life look like, when I have a better-paid role?
What will I feel like, when I’m in a work environment that challenges, excites and accepts me?
Visualising these scenarios will help you move away from fear and towards a desired future.
Tip 2: Track Your Success
List all the situations when you were faced with a challenge or a difficult decision, and you succeeded regardless.
Taking stock of your resilience and successful track record will help you move away from the negativity bias and build your confidence in decision-making.
Illusion of Certainty
We fear the uncertainty that comes with change and takings risks, but we forget that what seems stable and secure is also subject to change. After all, you could lose your job even if mediocre, and the okayish partner has a right to a change of heart! By not taking action we are disempowering ourselves and allowing external circumstances to dictate our fate.
Tip 3: Small Steps
If big decisions stress you out, start small. After all, the biggest life-decisions are composed of hundreds of tiny action steps. Ask yourself:
What’s the one small thing I can do today to bring myself closer my desired goal?
Maybe it’s spending 30 minutes over your lunch break having a fresh look at the job market, or scheduling a conversation with your boss about pre-requisites for a payrise. If you’re not sure what next steps to take, maybe it’s booking a free, 30-minute clarity call with me.
Reframing Failure As Learning
We are so used to being proficient in our lives as adults, that we cringe at the mere thought of being a novice. What we forget that every single master started their journey from that very place of not knowing!
In psychology, we talk about four stages of competence:
1. Unconscious incompetence – when you don’t know how to do something, and you don’t recognise the deficit. Ignorance is bliss at this stage!
2. Conscious incompetence – when you don’t know how to do something and you are painfully aware of it. This is where we most of us are when we learn something new or find ourselves in a new life situation
3. Conscious competence - when you know how to do something but need to follow a script and have to really focus to do it correctly
4. Unconscious competence - when you have fully integrated the learning and it becomes your second nature (think about changing gears when driving, for instance)
Tip 4: Your Success Lies Beneath The Failure
Rather than expecting yourself to go from stage 1 to 4 in no time, accept failure as a part of the learning process and a powerful feedback mechanism. These four stages can be applied not only to skill acquisition but also to the art of courageous decision making.
How many hoops did Michael Jordan have to miss before he became amazing at basketball?
Was your first relationship the final one, or did you have to fail a few times before you found the right one?
Why are the most successful business people those, who have some failed ventures on their record?
Failure is not linked in any way to your value as a person. How you react to failure however, is a strong indication of your future success.
When you lean into discomfort of learning and growing, despite the fear, you have already stepped closer towards your success!
If fear of failure stops you from getting to where you want to be, then let's chat.
Warm wishes,
Natalia Mank
Leadership Coach
How To Win When You Fail, published by Natalia Mank in her Rise To Success Newsletter on March 22nd, 2022